Symposium on Dating and Shidduchim
Yeshiva University,
Halachic Myths and Realities of Dating

http://www.endthemadness.org/

Harav Hagaon Moshe Tendler (Rosh Kollel; R’ Moshe Feinstein’s son-in-law)

LOOK FOR ESSENTIALS, NOT CHANGEABLES AND VARIABLES [I.E. ETZEM, NOT GILUIM]

Dating is, really, a game and no one reveals their true personality until later.

What to look for:

1. Physical appearance

a. Looks

b. Clothes
– but this is not as important as priorities and values, because this doesn’t speak to the person, rather to the society in which they grew up, and is under flux
+ In fact, regarding any of these variables, if you ask them what their position is they won’t even be telling you how they really feel, they’ll only be parroting back what they’ve heard from their rebbeim or their society, etc.

c. Behavior patterns

2. Baal chessed –

e.g. works at a place like H.A.S.C. – if she can stomach diapering an old man then she definitely has a good heart


3. Family – the key concern is halachic commitment


a. Regarding BTs (Newly observant) :
are they willing to present a halachic househould to your children (yarmulke, no treif, etc.)? If not, this is a major deterrent to a shidduch, and affects whether you can take them over on Shabbos (if when the children come in he’ll wear a yarmulke, then it’s okay). This has to do with the children’s chinuch, and the question is “Do the parents have sensitivity?”

b. Genetics
– discuss with the family doctor – after the shidduch has progressed for awhile give permission for the family doctors to talk to each other and work it out
Problems: Diabetic – this is problematic because it’s hard to travel and go around town, etc.
Down’s Syndrome – not a problem, just an opportunity to give chessed

c. Integrity
1) What to tell – not so important – nowadays there’s a greater openness between the chosson and kallah and there’s an expectation to tell – consult a rov for what to tell
2) When to tell – by the 3rd date

Talk about mutual interest items:
e.g. Summer – what they did last summer
Career – what they intend to do as a career for the future
Education – the education they had – this reflects their commitments

Shadchonus is the most humane way, but the rigid rules are nonsense (e.g. only one at a time, can only report back to the shadchan – forget about it! If you like her, then tell the girl “I hope to see you again.”)

If she looks good, has a good family, and has a good reputation, then marry her and hope it will work out – don’t test her – v’tomim tihyeh im Elokecha.

Roshei Yeshiva are not always a good source of advice for shidduchim (they only know the boy from the classroom and not his true personality), especially regarding family matters (have the family doctors work it out). Instead, look for the abovementioned things.

Q&A·

Q: If someone asks me “Who is your posek?” what should I answer?A: “None of your damn business!”
·
More on BTs (Newly observant):
the gemora (Talmud)describes the personality of a ben niddah as grouchy, cranky, and ill-tempered, however you should not at all refrain from a shidduch from a BT. If you like the person and see that they don’t behave like this, then by all means marry her. Reb Moshe Feinstein has a teshuvah about a bas niddah, and the gist of it is that if you like her and she has a good personality, then we say her mother probably went swimming (and the tevilah does not require kavvona, so therefore she’s not a bas niddah) and it’s totally okay and even encouraged. Again, FFBs should not shun BTs.
· The Shulchon Oruch says to get married by 24, and the yeshivas do push bochurim out by that age.
· You leave your parents (i.e. money and luxury) and marry (i.e. move into a basement apartment – it’s perfectly fine and normal to start out this way).
·
Q: Regarding kibbud av v’eim, shouldn’t you try to find out about the girl’s interaction with her parents?

A: It is good to know, but the information is not available today because America is not a shtetl and people come from all over. One must only listen to a parent to break off an engagement if the parents are embarrassed by the person.
· Financial self-sufficiency immediately upon marriage is not the Jewish way – the parents should support the couple for 2-3 years.

- posted by Izak @ 7:48 PM