"Guide for the Romantically Perplexed"

by Lisa Aiken

(A secular critique of an Orthodox writer:)

Love and marriage, Jewish style

By Shoshana Kordova
www.haaretz.com
Last update - 02:26 19/09/2003

A prolific writer and lecturer and successful psychologist, Lisa Aiken - or Chana Leah, as she prefers to be called - has recently published her seventh book, called "Guide for the Romantically Perplexed," has already finished an eighth book and is working on a ninth. But when this professional religious woman with a husband and two children talks about dating and marital advice, there is one topic that most animates her: the memory of being an unhitched woman in a marriage-obsessed Jewish world.

The qualifications that fill the flap of her 419-page book were those that some people Aiken knew from the "yeshivish," or right-wing Orthodox, world considered serious obstacles to finding a man. "Why did you have to get a Ph.D.?" she says they told her. "You put yourself out of range." She was also told to lie about her job as chief psychologist of Lenox Hill Hospital in New York. "Don't tell anyone you're the chief psychologist," was the advice she got. "Tell them you're a secretary."

Aiken, married at 36 and now 47, spoke in Jerusalem this week at a lecture on "Why being single happens to good people," and draws on these experiences in her counseling and writing. "It sensitized me to a lot of abuse that singles go through," including severe criticism from the community, she said in a park outside her home in the exclusive David's Village, which overlooks the Old City of Jerusalem. "It's just not easy."

Many married people blame singles for having unrealistic expectations of what they want in a spouse - even though that's only true in some cases, says Aiken. "Some of the depression and anxiety that singles feel can be alleviated by us giving them support and help instead of only criticizing," she says. "I don't think it's fair for everybody to point fingers and blame the victim."

At the same time, Aiken, who recently returned from a speaking tour in South Africa, urges singles to improve themselves before demanding perfection from others. In the book, she illustrates this lesson with a tale from a renowned 19th century Polish rabbi in one of the many instances in which the author - who describes herself as "observant" and wears a wig, long jean skirt and bare feet in sandals - mixes common-sense advice with Jewish tradition. Aiken, who immigrated to Israel last year after spending 22 years in New York, also uses anecdotes gleaned from her patients and acquaintances (with names and details changed) to bring to life practical tips on finding out whether a potential mate abuses drugs or has a shaky job history and how married couples should solve financial conflicts. The book also discusses specifically Jewish religious topics such as having physical contact before and during marriage and dealing with religious differences between a couple.

"Guide for the Romantically Perplexed" combines common sense with classic advice on relationships and communication and anecdotes and concrete suggestions, as well as shopworn male-female stereotypes and an endless trove of cliches. The entire effort is tinged with Aiken's religious-oriented spin on the effect of Jewish tradition on relationships, balanced by a realistic understanding that not all readers are religious or want to be.

The result is a bit like a new diet book telling readers that the best way to lose weight is by eating well and exercising, but that also gives kosher recipes, rabbinic sit-up methods and tales of success and setback. While not particularly original, Aiken's combination of information and example may still benefit readers, especially those who have not been inured by the pop-psychology lingo of best-selling authors such as Deborah Tannen and John Gray that has permeated public discourse in the U.S.

But the book also suffers from some potentially misleading flaws. While it is filled with statistical information, the accuracy is somewhat questionable. The statements presented without substantiation - including a claim that marriages between Sephardi men and Ashkenazi women "usually fail" and an estimation that 10-20 percent of Orthodox Jews "are now getting divorced" - come from a variety of sources, Aiken says: data she received from two psychology supervisors who have each seen at least 1,000 couples for marital therapy, rabbis and Jewish educators, "anecdotal" information and data she read in newspapers, psychology journals and medical books but whose precise source, "I don't remember."

Also, although Aiken discusses "personal dictionaries" in the book, meaning that spouses may attribute different meanings to the same word or phrase (such as "Don't bother me"), she fails to take this concept into account in her own writing. In several cases, Aiken - who refuses to categorize her own religious affiliation - seems to make the assumption that "religious" means "ultra-Orthodox Ashkenazi."

In a chapter on engagement, Aiken writes: "Religious couples divide wedding expenses such that the groom's family pays for FLOPS - Flowers, Liquor, Orchestra, Photographer, and Sheitl (wig for the bride). The bride's family pays for everything else." Not only does the author generalize about the way different families work out wedding costs, she assumes that all "religious" brides will wear a wig, or that they will cover their hair at all. In the same chapter, she writes that either the groom or the rabbi "will need to supply a kittel (a white tunic) for him to wear under the wedding canopy, over his suit," even though many religious men do not follow the custom.

Aiken herself became interested in religious observance as a young student at a Baltimore Jewish day school, which she attended until before going to a public high school. She became more religious after joining an Orthodox youth group, but it was only when studying for her doctorate at Loyola University that she recognized the disparity between her secular education and her Jewish knowledge. "I felt, here I am, getting a Ph.D. in clinical psychology," she says, "and I have an elementary-school education in Judaism."

In the book, Aiken uses her take on Jewish tradition as a lens through which to describe relationships, with a liberal dosage of cliches: "Since `absence makes the heart grow fonder,' and `forbidden fruit is sweetest,' the patterns [proscribed in Jewish marital laws] of separation and reunion help couples keep loving and desiring each other even after many years."

The author's real-life speech is also peppered with axioms. The phrase "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" expresses a popularized feminist belief that Aiken sees as one of the "destructive" aspects of the women's movement - a negation of the value of men, marriage and children. She also says, however, that she probably would not have had as many peers in professions such as medicine if not for feminism and its push to open up education and professional careers for women.

Refreshing harmony

One of the most refreshing elements of the book is Aiken's placing of "shalom bayit," household harmony, above the fulfillment of every last religious ritual. She also notes that what appears to be religious zeal can sometimes be the manifestation of a personality problem unrelated to religion.

In a chapter called "Building a Jewish home," Aiken urges people who want to bring more religious practices into their home to make observance more comfortable and enjoyable rather than making moral judgments. "When people see differences in terms of `I'm right and you're wrong,' or fear that a more religious spouse will reject them," she writes, "they are unlikely to bridge differences with each other." Aiken also writes that "certain leniencies in Jewish law must be used when marital harmony is at stake," adding the disclaimer that any leniency "may only be applicable in specific circumstances and must be recommended by a qualified rabbi."

One example given is Craig and Ruth, a U.S. couple married for 10 years with three children, before she suddenly began keeping a kosher home and observing Shabbat, and stopped wearing pants. Craig went along with the changes until Ruth decided that she wanted to cover her hair.

Aiken writes: "He had been willing to stop driving and playing golf on Saturdays. He went to the synagogue with her and gave up eating out since their town had no kosher restaurants. He studied Torah a few hours a week, gave money to charity, and fasted on Yom Kippur. He even sent their children to the local Jewish school at a cost of $18,000 a year. He had said nothing when Ruth stopped wearing blue jeans, even though he thought it was crazy to wear skirts during the bitter Mid-Western winters." After Craig told Ruth he would divorce her if she covered her hair, she went to her rabbi - who told her "that she should not even think about covering her hair and should be grateful that her husband had so readily accepted the many major changes that she had made."

But the book comes crashing back by the next chapter, "Differences between men and women." After rehashed Mars/ Venus characterizations come Aiken's own suggestions, which reinforce the stereotypes of the wife whose world is dominated by keeping her home clean, herself pretty and her husband fed. For instance, the No. 3 way for a wife "to show a man love": "Ask your husband if he wants you to wear makeup and perfume, and wear what he likes." No. 6: "Ask your husband when he would like to eat dinner and try to have it ready on time." No. 26: "Make his bed and leave a chocolate on his pillow." As for men, Aiken recommends, "Put your arms around her while she washes the dishes" (No. 24), "Tell her what a good cook she is" (No. 32), and "Show appreciation when she does your laundry, cooks, cleans the house, or does you a favor" (No. 33).

It would be hard to guess from reading Aiken's book that her own husband, a cardiac anesthesiologist, takes care of their daughters (aged five and seven) so often they joke he is "a full-time mother," or that she spent many years filtering out potential dates who weren't intimidated by her career success.

- posted by Izak @ 1:09 AM