The Kabalah of Madonna
by Barbara Kligman

(See the YIDDISH GLOSSARY below for words you don't understand)

The Kabalah of Madonna
It's farchadat, this whole fascination with Kabalah. So much so that I almost went to one of those Kabalah classes ("free with this coupon", as advertised zealously every week in The Village Voice) in preparation for my fine work here at Charged. Then I thought, wait. Those classes are on Wednesday nights. Can't do it. Not with this being the last season of 90210 and all.

What would I learn anyway? Oooh, numerology. Oooh, scary chanting. Maybe I would meet a nice mensch and we could kvetch afterwards over a knish and coffee. But nah, I don't need none of that. I know that I'm Jewish. I was force-fed the ultimate Jew food there is--guilt--for over thirty years. Moms and Pops let me know over the years that my un-Jewish actions would eventually kill them. I was told that I would have to marry a Jew ("If you don't marry someone Jewish, I will die. Right now. Right here."). G-d forbid I ate bacon or had a little cheese with my meat ("Are you trying to murder your father?"). And just when I thought I was filled up on the blue plate o'guilt at home, the neighborhood kids told me that I killed Jesus. (Yep. I did it. It was me.)

So this whole Kabalah mishegoss is really news to me. I did the Hebrew school circuit for five grueling years; my Jewish education started with gluing bits of macaroni onto felt to spell out happening sayings like "Mazel Tov," "Kosher is Kool" or "Yentas Only" (Bubbe loved that for her kitchen). I graduated to learning about Jewish holidays (ask me about the one where you run around the synagogue carrying an apple on a stick, waving a flag) and conjugating Hebrew verbs (complete with that sexy "cccchhhhh?" sound). And not once did the Kabalah ever come up.

I don't own the Jewish religion; I never said that. All I'm sayin' is that studying the Kabalah does not make you gen-u-ine in '99. There is no Judaica autopilot set into motion after attending a class on Jewish mysticism. The Kabalah, in fact, was never intended for women to study at all--not that I'm down with that sexist rule. It was an oral tradition taught to old Jewish men who had mastered many other facets of Judaism first. Then and only then were they taught the many scriptures that are part of the Kabalistic practice. Studying the Kabalah meant a lot more than wearing amulets with code in them (for warding off evil spirits), doing yoga (I still haven't figured out that connection), henna tattoos (anything started by Gwen Stefani is all wrong anyway), and putting thirteen songs on your album because you heard somewhere that thirteen is an important age in the Jewish religion. Well, yeah.

And while we're exploring mysticism, can we please explore something Why is Madonna fronting like she's Jewish? I get fachadded just thinking about this. Jews usually keep their religion quiet because this society isn't exactly cool with us being in the forefront. Don't shake your head at me. When Yom Kippur becomes a national holiday, then we'll talk. I live right here in Jew York and have encountered more anti-Semitism than you can shake a menorah at. I do a Jew 'zine and I am really upfront about my heritage, but I will tell you now that most of my brethren don't exactly go running around the streets singing the score from "Fiddler on the Roof" or "Chad Gad Ya" (the famous Passover song about a little goat--ask your Jew friends about it, and watch the horrified look that follows). If Madonna really wanted to help us, she'd re-record that ditty.

It just ticks me off that Kabalah, an ultra-serious sect of Judaism, is now reduced to a fashion statement. (And the shmattes that Madonna has been wearing do not help this at all.) Although I'd really love to see The Donna sporting some payehs in her next Vogue shoot. Changing your 'do is one thing, and frankly, that is somewhat of an appeal for me concerning Miss Ciccione. Who doesn't want to see what that meshuggeneh is up to with her locks? Although frankly, the black ironed hair isn't doing it for me. If she really wanted to be down with the tribe, she'd cut it all off and buy a wig like Orthodox women do. How about doing that for your peeps, Madonna?

While it's fine to explore other religions and adapt certain aspects of them to fit into your life to make you a better person (I'm trying not to laugh--it's hard), I feel like Madonna is using us Jew-folk until the next cool "religion thing" comes into view. And how far will she go? If she had a boy baby, would she have done the bris? Is she going to make Lourdes have a Bat Mitzvah? Does she have mezuzahs in her home? Is she farklempt on a regular basis?

I've done the research on my own and I still can't figure out the whole shmegegge. Mysticism, magic and numerology are but a small part of these ancient teachings. It's like studying Catholicism by eating communion wafers, going on Easter egg hunts, and attending Mass on Christmas Eve. You can't segment one tiny part of an entire religion and pretend it's an inherent part of you. Duh.

YIDDISH GLOSSARY

farchadat (adj.): totally insane; screwy in the head
mensch (n.): all-around nice guy (e.g., Ben Stiller)
kvetch (v.): complain, nag, bitch, moan (all at the same time)
mishegoss (n.): pandemonium, chaotic situation
bubbe (n.): grandma
fachadded (adj.): mixed up in the head, as if someone picked you up and spun you around
shmattes (pl. n.): rags; especially ugly dresses
payehs (pl. n.): curly sideburn thingies
meshuggeneh (n.): crazy one (Jocelyn Wildenstein)
schmegegge (n.): the whole ball of wax
farklempt (adj.): choked up, teary

- posted by Izak @ 12:22 AM